***Vulnerable Post***
Happy new month friends! So I’ve officially been working my new job for 10 weeks!
Job title: Mother.
As much as it’s been a beautiful journey so far watching my baby grow and evolve, it’s been quite the whirlwind! From colic to cradle cap, endless tears, sore cracked nipples, post C-section bleeding and pain, physio therapy, pressure to exclusively breastfeed, eczema, formula allergies, sleepless night shifts, constipation to explosive bowl movements, somehow, myself and my new boss have found lots of moments to sing, smile, talk (babble) and laugh together!
More recently I began reflecting on the last few months and how I’ve struggled with my feelings towards motherhood and what it would mean for me. Prior to delivering my amazing boss baby boy Levi Arinze, I prized myself on my work and business related achievements. Before the pandemic, I had traveled to 78 countries and planned on continuing till I hit my goal of 100 before my 35th birthday that just passed. At work I was enjoying climbing the corporate ladder after converting from a contractor to a permanent member of staff at Lloyds Banking Group, signing my contract 2 days before finding out I was pregnant! I had also begun being recognised for my literary contribution to childrens book writing, having my first book Tobias The Dream Adventurer published and writing a bedtime story for the BBC called Olannas Super Senses. I intended on keeping the momentum going and building more from what I had already established. However with the surprise of my impending job role change from “Executive Support Manager” to “Mummy”, I began to selfishly mourn the idea that my life would never be just mine again, and I would have to pause many of my goals and discard others. I began having severe FOMO (fear of missing out) at work and planned to go on maternity leave the day before Levi was due to arrive. It was so bad that I was waddling around not knowing I had been contracting for two days thinking it was braxton hicks, and while laying in hospital with symptoms of preeclampsia, I was messaging my team to let them know that although my doctor was concerned, I would see them later that evening for a work event. Levi had other plans and was born later on that day as I (full of delusion) still wondered if I could go to the event and come back to the hospital later. After two days in hospital my amazing life partner Kwame drove Levi and I home where the reality of exactly what life would be like set in. NOTHING could prepare me for what motherhood has been so far, it has been both terribly difficult and incredibly amazing at the same time. The love I have for my baby is indescribable, the love I have for my partner in life and in parenting grows by the hour of each day.
I have insurmountable joy and pride working for my new boss baby Levi, the benefits package supersedes anything I’ve been offered in my career to date. However, I do miss some of the freedoms I no longer have in this new role. At different points in my life, I have sat on different sides of the age old debate “Can a woman have it all? A full time nurturer of her children/family and a full time career/business person?”. I have now resigned to the personal view that something has to give, I can’t be a full time mother and a full time career/business woman/traveler without having to make concessions. I realise now that I can indeed have it all, but just not all at the same time. I have grappled with the guilt I feel when mourning my life pre-baby, and somewhat fear the judgement some may have as I try to put my thoughts into words. On one hand, I mourn what will never be the same again, and on the other, fully embrace and thank God everyday for the love I can now never live without. I am settled knowing that both these things can be true at the same time, and ultimately, it’s okay.